Why I Don’t Support Teen Dating
This blog post has been festering lately. I have lots to say, but don’t know how to say it.
Mainly, I want to say it with grace and conviction. I worry that I won’t do that properly, but I feel like this needs to be shared.
I wish it was that simple! I wish I could just say, “I did it, don’t do it!”
But, it’s not that easy…unfortunately. Q and I are in youth ministry, we see teen hearts get broken all the time and we hate to say, “We told you so.” because that isn’t the answer.
Let me share my story…a story I’ve struggled to share. How much do I share? How open is the Lord asking me to be? I’m still not sure. But, here it is…
I started casually dating in middle school and by high school I had my first love. I dated a guy for three years in high school; we just knew we would get married one day (we didn’t!). By age 15, I’d given my heart to him and I’d fallen into sexual sin. A downward spiral of dating and sexual sin continued for five years (fiercely consuming at 18), until I gave my heart and life to the Lord at age 20.
Let me just say, none of this sexual sin included my husband. I’m so thankful for a Godly man that steered me onto the narrow road through the truth and love of Christ.
But, by the time I got married at 21, I had more baggage than anyone would ever need in a life time. I’d given my heart and body away more than once and each of those interactions adversely affect my marriage — in ways I’m aware of and in ways I’m not!
Fortunately, I serve a holy God that wiped my slate clean that October night that I said, “Take me Lord, change me, make me whole again.” He did and he’s done it well. But, my human nature won’t let me forget my past. A past of deep sin and heartache.
Should Christian Teenagers Date?
Parents (some of you may be my youth parents…welcome to my story!), when Q and I say we don’t support teen dating, this is my reason why.
Teen dating is not biblical — courtship is.
Teen dating opens the door for raging hormones and sexual temptation — temptation and sin that will affect your child forever. (1 Corinthians 7:2)
Teen dating does not prepare your child for marriage — I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m so glad I dated as a teen and up until marriage. Those relationships really improved my God-honoring relationship with my husband.”
Teen dating says “Jesus Christ is not enough for me.” — when we put something or someone at a higher priority than the Lord, our relationships suffer; all of them.
Unless your child has their own bank account, their own vehicle, and their own rules…they are not prepared for a deep relationship with another human being. Until that time, their heart and mind need to be focused on the One who knows exactly whom their lifelong mate will be.
I know everyone’s doing it and I know it’s hard to be set apart, but the Lord calls us to be different (Romans 12:2)!
Teens and teen parents, please listen to me!
The minor “life lessons” your teen may take away from a dating relationship are not worth the risk of falling into sexual sin and the affect those sins will have on the rest of their lives.
I understand that some teens may rebel against your “no dating” rule, but the Lord has commanded you to raise them with God honoring principles. The Lord has commanded you to protect them from and steer them away from sin, not to condone and promote the possibility of it.
Let me tell you, no form of “monitoring” your child’s dating relationship will deter two teenagers with raging hormones. If they want to fall into sexual sin, they will.
But, if your child has been taught from early childhood that the Lord has the perfect mate for them, that waiting for your spouse is God-honoring and holy, and that the years and years of saying no to every member of the opposite sex will be beyond worth it when you can tell your spouse on your wedding night, “I waited for you.”
If you don’t listen to the naysayers when your child is two — the one’s saying, “We’ll see how well that works when she’s 16.” — and you continue to instill biblical principles and share the perfect will of the Lord through life lessons and scripture….your children will thank you one day!
Parents, for the sake of your children’s physical and emotional health, please say no to teen dating. Coming from a girl who has the scars to prove it…it’s not worth it.
Encourage them to love the Lord their God with all of their heart, soul, mind and strength. He.is.enough.
Want to see more parenting posts? Here are a few favorites:
Train Up A Chid
Who Does God Expect You To Be?
Dear Church, Our Kids Still Need Jesus
Parenting With Purpose
Latest posts by Christie (see all)
- Remembering Mandy Kelly from Worshipful Living - March 29, 2017
- Homosexuality Should Not Polarize the Church - November 17, 2016
- Grace & Truth {Week 69} - May 6, 2016
Ronda @ Following Our Leader says
Christie ~ thanks for tackling a very important subject. I agree with you 100%. I am posting a blog on Friday about marriage and I refer to some of these dangers – especially the part about giving a part of your heart away. God never intended for us to date – as you stated, it is not Biblical. This is a dangerous thing for adults and even more so for our children. I pray that God will bless you for speaking out and that your message will be heard and received by many!
Kristin IDelights says
Hi Christie 😀 I don’t have any children, but I wanted to encourage you for sharing your truths with everyone. I think saving yourself is so important, and it always baffles me when people don’t agree. I’ve spoken with so many young people that wish they would have waited. Thank you for sharing Christe and God Bless you!
Asha says
Excellent post! I completely agree and I also work with the Youth and Young Adults at my church and have seen the unnecessary heartbreak this brings! A book I love regarding this is Joshua Harris’s book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. I read it as a teen and it saved me from so much pain!!
p.s. – I’m your newest follower and hope you’ll visit me sometime as ashareyes.blogspot.com 🙂
Michell @Prowess and Pearls says
ON POINT Christie! I couldn’t agree with you more! Marriage has become a game to most people, because by the time they get married, they’ve already done EVERYTHING married people do! Kids today get bored easily, because they are allowed to grow up too fast and don’t know how be kids anymore. Thanks again for sharing my friend…have a blessed rest of your week! 😉
Ellen Corathers says
Christie, I couldn’t agree with you more. I have my own scars to live with from casual dating. I have five children. And I want to instill this in them.
Dana says
Christie – excellent post. I’m a fairly new follower, but this is my favorite thing you’ve written. “The minor “life lessons” your teen may take away from a dating relationship are not worth the risk of falling into sexual sin and the affect those sins will have on the rest of their lives.” Amen.
amy davis says
My dear, brave friend! This is what our walk is all about – obeying God rather than man. He has called you to speak this, you have obeyed, regardless of your own desires (to not speak of this)or the desires of others (to not want to hear this). I think this is a very important topic. Thank you for bringing it up.
Love, hugs and blessings to you and yours.
Sherry Sylvia says
I wish I could be young again and do the same. Although my first love never got sexual through the two years. I wish I still had that, that’s how you know you really love someone!
Thanks for linking up this week for the Followers to Friends Blog Party!
Sherry @ I AM PISCES
Followers to Friends Blog
Kirra says
Great thoughts. Thank you for sharing even though it’s difficult and controversial.
King J's Queen says
Thank you for your candor in presenting this. We have felt the pull to not allow dating for our daughter when she is a bit older. Our desire is for her to find her husband through courtship when she reaches that stage of her life.
Megan says
Great post Christie! Thanks for sharing your heart and a tough subject. I don’t agree with teen dating either. I dated as a teen and it’s not worth it. Also, I’m afraid many teenagers don’t realize that simply not having sex doesn’t mean you won’t do things you’ll regret. I think this is something that has to start from the time you have a child. I hate how parents say things like “Is Johnny your boyfriend?” to a 3 year old! I don’t want to encourage that sort of thing to my {future} children at any age.
Sweet Patience says
Great post! I agree with you 100% and can relate. Thank you for sharing this. It is a topic that people need to hear.
Marci Smith says
Amen!!! I couldn’t agree more. I was aloud to date starting in junior high. I, too, gave myself away in every fashion. It saddens me that society pushes behaviors that set these children up for failure and heartache.
Thank you so much for your honesty. You are spreading God’s word as He intends. The world needs more student leaders like you and your husband.
xoxo
Bre says
I agree with the points you made, but just to get some conversation I will point out that some teen relationships work. I did not date anybody until I met my husband. We started dating when I was 15. It has almost now been 7 years since then and We are married and expecting our first child. I know we lucked out and many relationships don’t end up like this. But if you do decide to date while you are young and remember to keep God first in the relationship, sometimes they do work out.
Beth Cranford says
Thank you for sharing that Bre, it is good to hear the success stories as well.
Sarah says
Thanks for sharing this. Like you, I was a teen dater although it was mostly my very late teens and early twenties. I didn’t come from a Christian family, and was surrounded by people who saw nothing sinful about being so openly sexual.
Looking back, I have a LOT of regrets about my behavior. It’s true that even though God forgives us it can be hard for us to forgive ourselves. I wish someone had sat me down and told me that I should be giving my heart to God before giving it away to a boy.
Shanay Worthy says
I really agree with you 100%. When you read the Bible you never read about people dating.
Shanay
http://www.myuniquegirlz.blogspot.com
Deborah says
That’s because daughters had no rights, were sold as chattel to the highest bidder. Daughters were used to seal deals on uniting kingdoms, gaining land or animals, or bringing a dowry with them. They had no choice in these arranged marriages and many never laid eyes on their future husbands until the day of marriage. Many countries are still using arranged marriages and the girls have no say whatsoever.
Christie says
Hi Deborah,
Courting is simply “dating with the purpose of marriage”. It’s intentionally taking the time to get to know someone on a more intimate and personal level, while being aware of our God-given desire for sexual intimacy and keeping ourselves pure until marriage. I hope that clears up the misconception of “arranged marriages”.
Deborah says
I don’t believe your “courtship” definition is found in the Bible, either. Couples were rarely exposed to neither courtship or dating in biblical times or in a lot of other countries even today. Marriages were arranged by the father or sometimes the parents together. The daughters usually had no say in who they were wed to.
Mariel Collins says
Amazing post Christie! Being a teen dater myself i also don’t agree with it. I was exposed to things i shouldn’t have been so young, and i am highly against it now. And pray daily for our future children. No child should be doing grown up things and dating is for grown ups!
Rachel says
I did not date, though I ended up courting and marrying my husband while still in my teens–I would always recommend courtship as the way to go, and my husband, who dated a number of women before meeting me, agrees as well. A relationship that is purposefully headed towards marriage and entered into under the guidance and supervision of parents is so much more peaceful, and safer for your heart and mind than modern dating. I’m so, so grateful that my husband is the only guy I ever fell in love with.
ramsaygrace says
It’s incredibly sad, and I am beyond ashamed to admit this, but it’s never even occurred to me that I have the power to stop the dating process for my children. I believe that sometimes, people {especially ME} get so caught up in life that it never occurs to us that we CAN take a stand and be DIFFERENT. You’re right….we are called to be different. And oh, how much sweeter and simpler life would be without the garbage that comes along with dating. Thank you my friend, for reminding me of this truth, and for your willingness to obey Him and put yourself out there as an example. We ALL have sins in our past that we’d rather forget, but praise Jesus we serve an awesome and forgiving God! Blessings!
Mia De Vries says
Hi Christie
I have a youth pastor friend and he is of the same mind. I appreciate your honesty and transparency. I know it was not easy!
Hugs XX
Mia
Ugochi says
Absolute truth! We should encourage teenagers to follow the “narrow” path, even though it is unpopular. It will give them eternal value! Thanks for sharing, have a super blessed day!
Love
kelly thompson says
what a topic…glad I have some time on my hands…thanks for the prayer and will keep you and your youth lifted as well!
Jen says
Christie – THANK YOU! So good to hear your honesty & transparency! My guess is, there is a tiny bit of a problem, when my 6 year old comes home saying kids have boyfriends and girlfriends at school.
I have a testimony much like yours. And although God’s redeeming grace has covered all my sin, I teach my teens to be holy as he is holy, for that is good and right in the eyes of the Lord. Continually covering them in prayer & praying daily that they would be kept pure until the day they meet “the one”. Praise God that at 19 & almost 17 He has answered those prayers. He is faithful, always, even in a sometimes faithless culture.
At the same time, so good to know we both have experience His blessed grace & blood bought forgiveness! Amen!?
Victoria Keen says
I’m brand new to your blog and love it so far. What an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing; I totally agree.
Anonymous says
what a load of rubbish
Christie Hill says
My stance isn’t a popular one, but one I feel the Lord has asked me to share!
Thanks for stopping by!
Christie
Elaine Jones says
Thank you I couldn’t agree more. I have a 15 yo son who has a mild form of autism – PDD. He is in a regular public school and the social aspects of friendship and dating are hard for him. After a heartbreak with a “dating relationship” I really came to prayer on this. My son was being pressure by peers to have a GF and asked why he didn’t so he rushed off to ask someone to the dance. That girl was unkind in many ways and dumped him a cruel way. He was heartbroken and in tears and admitted he made mistakes and he didn’t know how to do relationships. I feel God really led me to this blog and what it contained. I spoke to my son and told hinm I was taking dating off the table. That I didn’t feel he was ready and that honestly the modern-day practice of high school dating was not in keeping with our beliefs. I told him he could have friendship and go to school events in groups or stag, but for now teen romance and dating was off the table. He seems honestly relieved. I think this is amazing advice and it seemed to just verify what was in my heart.
Christie SatisfactionThroughChrist says
Hi Elaine,
Thank you so much for your comment and support. I’m sorry you had to leave a comment twice. I’ve had a few people have trouble commenting and I’m not sure what to do about it!
I applaud you for taking dating off of the table. I think many parents are afraid to tell their children no when it comes to this issue because our society has made it into a social norm, “thing to do”, a right of passage, etc. God calls us to be set apart and a lot of times that means telling our kids they can’t do the things that society okays.
Please know that I’m praying for you and your son, as you seek to be more like Jesus. May He receive all the honor, glory, and praise from it.
Christie
Anonymous says
I disagree with your opinion I think if you have a strong relationship with god and your a moral person you can resist the slight temptation that comes with dating especially if you are dating another committed christian. Two of the best relationships I’ve ever seen came from teen dating. The worship pastor at my church and his wife started dating when they were fourteen and they have a great marriage. The other couple are two people fresh out of college that started dating in high school. The guy is now a pastor at one of the biggest churches in our district. Also the purpose of dating is to find your future husband/wife right so if you never date anyone how would you ever know who you want to marry? most people say “well no one gets married when they’re 14.” and they would be right but again I just gave two examples of a good godly relationship starting with two teenagers turning into a great marriage. As if that stuff wasn’t enough a person isn’t going to just automatically know how to act in a committed relationship. Relationships are like anything else they take practice. Teenagers need to learn how to be in a relationship and be taught to do it right. Key words there are TAUGHT TO DO IT RIGHT that means getting to know the girl and having a relationship that revolves around god. Then even if that relationship doesn’t work out they will know how to get it right when they meet their future spouse.
Christian says
Exactly and it goes to everyone from every background and faith….the purpose of dating is too have a good time with whom you love and like…..she trying make dating look bad.. Btw courtmanship is basically the parents choosing the girl/guy for thier son/daughter for them…….which is irrelevant today..
Christie says
Hi Christian!
Thanks for your comment! 🙂
Courtship is not “modern day arranged marriage”. Courtship is YOU purposefully committing to get to know someone on a personal level with intent to marry without the temptation of sexual sin. This is done by being held accountable for the time that you spend together.
Not everyone agrees with my beliefs, but that’s ok. I know that The Lord has impressed upon my heart to share it with you. 🙂
Christie
Faith says
I love your approach or rather the way you responded to this comment, it shows maturity and Spirit guided. We all know that it rarely happens to marry your teen gf/bf putting in mind that teens do it to fit into the crowd and engage into sexual sin. Courtship is the key,
Nobuko says
I don’t agree. I would prefer two teens that both love God and have a holy relationship over two married adults that don’t have a strong faith. Teens aren’t all saying “Jesus Christ is enough for me.” by being in a relationship. A relationship that is built on a shared love for Christ should be something to strive for and when I read this post I feel like you aren’t even giving teenagers the opportunity to build that healthy relationship. If my parents had stopped me from dating as a teenager I wouldn’t be in the devoted relationship I am in today where we live for Jesus Christ and love him more than anything.
Christie says
Hi Nobuko,
Thanks for your comment. As with anything, there are always exceptions to the norm, but for the majority of teenagers casual dating does not prepare them for marriage, but instead sets them up for heart break and baggage that they’re carrying into their marriage. Marriage is a covenant between 2 people, one that shouldn’t be tarnished by sinful behaviors we made as teenagers – behaviors that could have been prevented by parents taking the stand! Of course, there comes a time and age where appropriate relationships with the opposite sex and helpful and healthy, but middle school and high school are not that time.
Thanks again for stopping by!
thejumperteam says
There will always be someone who comes out against anything and says, “I can point to this one or two exceptions to what you are saying” and they may be right. However, the alarmingly increasing number of STDs among young people and unintended pregnancies point to the fact that those “examples” are the very rare exceptions and not the norm. You are absolutely right in the point you make in this blog post. Many parents feel they can trust their young people to dating and they as their parents have that right to do as they see right but it in no way makes the temptation and all the garbage that comes with dating at such young age any less real.
Adriel Hong says
Great post on a topic that is not addressed nearly as much as it ought to be! My parents raised me to “wait and not date”. How thankful I am that they stuck to that and taught me to think about relationships the proper way instead of how the world does. My husband was my first date (after the intentions of marriage with my parents were discussed), my first kiss, etc. It’s possible and it’s worth it! I just encourage all the parents out there to really take this message to heart. =)
M says
I am Instilling a moral compass into my child. Free of religion, overflowing with spirituality, compassion and open minds. Confining them to MY religion or moral beliefs is to raise a narrow-minded, indoctrinated individual. My children are educated about God, Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, Baha’i and are FREE to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Indoctrination is failing at parenting.
Christie says
Hi “M”!
1.) Since I am a Christian, writing on a Christian-based blog, and raising my children in a Christian home, we can both understand that I write from a Christian perspective and I raise my children with Christian morals. This article was not written for the world, it was written for believers in Jesus Christ. That should clear up some confusion.
2.) Being a parent means teaching your children in the way they should go. We aren’t parents if we just allow our children to do whatever they want. Let me ask you this – do you allow your children to run freely in a busy street? I would imagine not. Why? Because they may get hurt. For the same reason I will teach my children that casual dating relationships are not healthy. Why? Because they may get hurt AND because I’ve lived through the heartache of dating and sexual promiscuity and I want to PROTECT my children from that – that’s what parents do.
My children will make their own choices and their own mistakes, but not because I didn’t teach them otherwise. And I will teach them that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, and the Life because He changed my life 7 years ago and because I know that to be truth. Prayerfully they’ll come to know Him as their Lord and Savior, but that’s up to Him – my job is to parent them, teach them, and instill truth into their hearts and minds.
Thanks for stopping by. Be sure to leave a real email next time and we can talk a bit more.
thejumperteam says
Hi “M”, you are free to raise your child how ever you think is right. If you want them to do whatever they feel like doing that’s up to you. As Christie stated this is a Christian blog and she’s writing to people who, like her, believe in Godly living according to God’s word, the Bible. To teach our children to live by what we believe with all our hearts and soul to be right is not indoctrination. I’m sure you do the same thing in some way. Your own way of thinking that you stated about wanting them to learn about every faith and make their own choices is also a way of live that you are training them in. Some parents do believe that while children are still under our care and stewardship we should train them in what we believe to be right and that’s the audience Christie is speaking to. I’m sure you love your children and are doing what you believe is best for them. That’s the same thing Christie is doing. Many blessings to you and your family.
Courtney says
Tone it down a notch, or five. You’re trying to get people to agree with you, not turn them off, otherwise you wouldn’t have wrote this. And before everyone freaks out, I’m a Christian so don’t accuse me of not being one. I’d also like to add that not all teenagers that date have sex. That’s a bit of a stereotype. I know many people, Christians and not, that dated as teenagers and before marriage that didn’t have sex until they got married. Why does this always have to be about sex. I believe dating as a teenager abd as a young adult is a very important learning experience, sex or no sex.
Christie says
Hi Courtney!
Thanks for your comment.
No, not all teenagers that date have sex, but the risk of doing so goes up exponentially when you put yourself into an emotional/personal relationship with another human being. God created us for relationship and physical intimacy – in marriage. We would be careless to not expect those inherent emotions to reveal themselves in a teenage dating situation.
This post is my personal experience within my own life and from the relationships I’ve formed with teenagers over our 6+ years in youth ministry. I am guessing you’re a teenager or young adult? I, too, would have thought this post was a little over the top in that time of my life, but life experience tells me that it’s not! 🙂
Most of all, I think it’s important to realize that scars left from teenage dating relationships are more than just sexual. They’re emotional and physical, as well. You give your heart and more away when you enter into a romantic relationship with someone and all of those should be saved for your spouse alone.
If you choose to wait for your spouse – I can guarantee your marriage will be better off!
Thanks for stopping by,
Christie
Christian says
I’ve never dated before since high school my life has been full of suffering, family conflict etc but Id never recall having a good time with a girl that I like, reading this article just mortifies me…christian dating is complicated gzzzz…
Misty D says
So glad to read what I have believed in my heart too from experience! Our children do not realize the seriousness of soul ties. Taking the stand with you and praying our neighbors and friends and church members will open the eyes to the danger of teen dating!
Christie says
Thanks for standing with me, Misty! As long as we continue to seek the Lord in our parenting, we’re doing something right! Praying with you – that the enemy would not win the hearts and minds of our kids, but that the truth of the Gospel would change convictions. Thanks for stopping by!
Morgan Vega says
Hey, Christie!
I think you have some really good points here. You are definitely talking about the norm dating experience for teens–one that is not stable at times and rapidly changing. As a substitute teacher, I am around teens and see this firsthand.
However, I think putting anyone into a box based on age can be detrimental. It can cause resentment. Confusion. I know for me, that if my parents would have told my 16-year-old self not to date my now fiance, I would not have been a happy camper, to say the least. I believe in seeing people as individuals. I understand that stage of life is difficult and confusing at times, and I am in no way saying that what you’ve written is necessarily wrong. I am saying, though, that this should be determined on a parent-to-child basis, never said as a flat-out rule. Rules can easily be broken–that is why it is more important to discuss how to date properly and date healthily than to say “You can’t date. You aren’t old enough.” Instead, let’s say, “I know you are at an age where you want to date. You want to get to know someone. But you know who wants to get to know you? Jesus. And he wants you to be careful and considerate of your heart before and as you date.”
If my parents would have followed your advise, I would probably not be getting married in less than a month. Then again, maybe I would and it would have all worked out, but I wouldn’t change dating at 16 for the world. Maybe it is a confusing and challenging age–but I got through it with my best friend. I think that can be better than being in your 20s or 30s with a job, house, and a secure income. Why? My fiance and I grew up together, we know each other, we’ve already made life-altering decisions together, and for that, we are that much stronger going into our marriage.
Thank you for your post and sharing what you were convicted about. It has opened up a great discussion.
Christie says
Hi Morgan,
Thanks for your thoughtful (and respectful!) comment! I, too, agree (like every piece of advice given) that not everything applies to all people. Parents know their children (hopefully), know their judgment, and know how something will affect them in the long run more than a broad statement like mine.
However, I’m not addressing those parents and teens in this post. Unfortunately, parents have forgotten what it means to parent! Even in the early stages of life (two, three, four years old) children are running the show and parents are letting them! More often times than not, being in youth ministry, I see teenagers calling the shots and doing whatever they want to do. God gave children parents for a reason and one of those is wisdom. As parents, we bring a wisdom and years of experience and heartache that allow us to teach and train our children in the way that they would go. It’s time for parents to start using that wisdom and judgment when it comes to teen dating.
I am so pleased to hear that you are set to marry your high school sweetheart! There are times when a teenage relationship works – forever! But the reality is, that’s not the norm. And teens are taking broken hearts and years of baggage and sexual sin into marriages that will be affected by these things – forever. While you may have “made it”, I might venture to guess that you have some regrets about things that you’ve done with your fiancé over the years. If not, praise God! But even the relationships that work are filled with sinful past regrets that will affect these marriages – forever. Trust me, I know. I’ve been married for almost 8 years, and while non of my past regrets were with my husband, my marriage to him is still affected by the choices I made 10-15 years ago!
It’s time to step up and do what we can (that’s all we can do, really) to teach and train the younger generation to know that Jesus is the only source of love you need – He is love and the only way we even know how to love rightly. And to encourage them to focus their eyes and heart on Him. I know it’s hard, but it’s so worth it!
Congrats, again, on your upcoming marriage!! And, thanks again, for stopping by!
logan says
I think teen dating is extremely important. During your teen years you go through biological and psychological changes that need to be addressed. Dating allows a healthy release for those changes. Repressing these changes can lead to problems down the road. This can include anything from a little awkwardness with the opposite sex to complete sexual disfuntcion. Repressed sexuality (this does not necessarily mean sex, but contact in general) was the entire basis for “the talking cure” created by Freud or what we now call psychotherapy. Besides the psychological issues behind repression no teen dating an have social consequences. Teen dating can allow you to asses the good and bad qualities of a partner, all while still having the support and protection of your parents. Doing this too late in life can cause you to make rash decisions due to a lack of experience.
DeslynnG says
I’m 16 and I actually agree with you. I always said I was going to stay away from guys for the remainder of high school, but one college trip night I almost gave in, I’m beyond thankful God got me out of that situation bc it could have turne into rape and very quickly. After this I realize high school is too young. Keep spreading the word. The true word.
Jeni says
Exactly! You said it better than I could have!
Alicia Baggett says
I can’t say I completely agree. I think it has a lot to do with your maturity and relationship with God. I believe I started “dating” in middle school. Maybe 3 boys, and I broke up with one because he tried to touch me. Nope, not gonna happen. I was 15 when my husband and I started dating. If I had waited until I was out of school, he would have been gone and I would be living a totally different life. He joined the military a year after we started dating. And here I am 12 years, two countries, and 4 homes later with a beautiful baby girl and planning our second this fall. God puts people in your path for a reason, numbers don’t matter.
Christie says
Hi Alicia!
First, congratulations on 12 years of marriage and your growing family! 🙂
Second, as with everything, there are always “exceptions to the rule” and it appears that you and your husband are one of those exceptions! My post is not a comprehensive post about all relationships, but instead, a post about my personal life experience and my experience in 8 years of youth ministry.
Third, although you and your husband did meet at a young age and got married – that is not the norm. And, if I would guess, I’m sure you dealt with many temptations (and maybe even gave in to some of them) before you got married. Those all affect your marriage today, whether you’re aware of it or not. Any time we operate outside of the will of God (i.e. sex (or the like) before marriage) there are consequences – seen and unseen.
All of that to say, this post is a word of warning to teens and parents of teens. Because at the age of 15 (the age I lost my virginity) the majority of us aren’t mentally or physically capable of forming life-long commitments with the opposite sex. For that reason, I don’t support teen dating, but instead support focusing on growing a relationship with the Lord and mentally preparing for marriage.
Thanks for stopping by and for (respectfully) voicing your opinion!
Tania Vaughan (@TaniaJVaughan) says
Yes and absolutely yes – this is why I wrote my course, It’s why I teach teen girls – Shout it from the roof tops and don’t be swayed. Ask a teen why they are dating – they rarely know why!! I love this thank you so much for sharing this 🙂
Ruth says
Reading your post was like reading about a segment of my own life that I am just too afraid to share. Even though I am now married and saved by the blood of Jesus, I still feel haunted by my past. I opened up my heart to dear Christian girlfriend today about this. I am thankful you have written so openly about this and I pray other teens will take note of this and parents will raise godly offspring! It is an issue that is swept under the carpet at church, but it affects so many of us. God bless 🙂
Cheryl @Treasures from a Shoebox says
Mighty bold topic you’ve tackled here, Christie and I applaud your courage! We are in total agreement here.
One thing I’d like to add is how the spirit of dating actually promotes the divorce mindset. “I’ll stay with you till you no longer make me happy or meet my needs.” Date. Breakup. Repeat. It’s a vicious cycle.
Thanks for bravely sharing your heart here.
Tina M Wright says
I know this topic is probably not a popular or well accepted one, but I greatly appreciate your courage and boldness in sharing (and doing so honestly). I agree with your stance on “Courtship > Dating “for all the reasons you listed and more. If only I could get my teenage daughter to see it the same way… praying the Lord softens her heart.
Melanie S. Pickett says
I’m not a fan of teen dating either. I dated as a teen and like you, wished I hadn’t. I made stupid decisions based on some boys and acted in ways I’m not proud of. But it was worth it, my mistakes, if I can impress upon my children why they shouldn’t date until God brings the right person to them. I have two teenagers and though dating is popular and most of their friends are dating, they have made conscious decisions not to and I fully support that with my whole heart!
Anita Ojeda says
Yep. I’m glad I’m not the only one to think this way! I’ve never seen a truly happy outcome of serial teen dating (I’m a high school teacher in a small community). Our girls didn’t exactly like the fact that we didn’t let them date (we DID let them go on dates–big difference) in high school, but they also knew we were reasonable people and they knew our reasons. We actually let our oldest date (maybe court would be a better word) a young man she’d known for four years her senior year in high school because he was mature enough to ask my husband’s permission. They ended up getting married their junior year of college and are now in graduate school. No every young couple is mature enough for this–but that’s why it’s so important to know you children and know their friends. Our youngest has never had a dating relationship–she’s now 20. And that’s ok, too. She knows that the same rules apply–if a guy wants to date her, he has to ask her father’s permission. While some people might call this indoctrination (as a previous commenter did), I call it equipping our children for happiness. I don’t know of any woman who runs around saying how happy she was because she had multiple lovers before she was an adult.
Laura Rath says
Hi Christie,
Glad I stopped over from Grace & Truth today. I’ve been thinking about this topic quite a bit lately – how to teach and instill Christian values, especially at times when the world screams the opposite. One thing I keep remembering is how I used to view things as a teen—how I thought I knew everything and could handle anything. Now, my view is different, of course, but I think it’s beneficial to remember how I used to think because it gives me a different way of communicating and relating with my teen. There are still the rules of what is & is not allowed, but a little different way of discussing. (if that makes sense.)
Nicole says
Christie,
I love this post and even though my children are still tiny I completely agree with you. I also was a teen dater and I got myself in a very bad situation. I made a choice that although I know I am forgiven for it I still carry that around today (you know that shame we know so well 😉 ). Thank you for posting this and I also love how you responded so gracefully to the negative comments on this post. All that matters is that you are glorifying God with your words! Thank you.
Nicole
RomyAimeeRomy-Aimee says
Hallo!
I do agree on some points, but I also disagree on some points. I’m sixteen at the moment and just got a relationship with my best friend. I totaly agree with the part about sex. It should be between husband and wife. But I do disagree with the not dating when you’re a teen. I think it is a matter from talking alot with your parents. My dad doesn’t believe but mom does so most of the time we talk about it. And sure at first it isn’t what we teens want… but it does protect us. Talk what and why. I’ve never had sex (and I don’t think I would realy want it even when I marry…) my boyfriend never had sex too so we are both glad with that. But Most of the time I think teens make that mistake because they don’t know what it realy means… I ‘am glad though that my boyfriend and I got to know each other through and through, our habits… (I need to reorganise my books every month, and the rest of my room is a big mess while I still know the place of every thing… I know that my boyfriend hates to cycle on his own, he keeps his books on his desk in a pile instead from putting them on the shelf) this and many more things are what we learn from each other. And talking lots of talking ’cause else a reltionship won’t work.and ofcourse praying!
Sorry for any mistakes in the language but my autocorrect is on and this isn’t my native language.
God bless!
jocelyn says
I’m 17 and I just came out of a relationship that was harming my heart and soul . Your message has encouraged me to do what is right . To love the Lord , give him complete control of my life and to be faithful to him .I know its best for me…relationships now are just painful and harmful . Thank you ♡ …
Marie says
I just want to start by saying, I do not want to offend anyone, I’m young and still learning but I feel like I need to hare my side. I’m 16, and a senior, I’ve never been in any serious relationships. Through the relationships I have had, though I was a christian, I idolized the guy rather then God. The way you seem to come off, you seem angry, like you have a hatred towards dating. Of course with you past i do not know if i can blame you.. In the article you said nothing can be learned from teen dating. I disagree.. If it was not for my past relationships I would not have learned from my mistake of idolization. I know trials can harm us in unspeakable ways, but I believe God allows trials for us to learn and grow. Now I know my relationship with God is first rather than with my boy friend.
I believe dating is a relationship, like a friendship. Together we grow in Christ. The things he struggles, I do not so I I help him and vice versa. We are getting to know each other, because one day the goal is to be married. I have no desire of sleeping with him, one day God will have us married, I can wait a few years.
Again I’m very sorry if I offended you!!! I believe, if the relationship is truly revolving around Christ, truly, I believe they can date. I love and respect your bravery for posting this!
Question: If teens can not date at what age can they? I know adults who are less mature then teens..
Joy says
This was a very true post but I do have a question. What if the two teens are greatly in love with Christ and have a very Christ-centred relationship? I’m 17 and my boyfriend and I met at a catholic youth conference. We were friends for a year then decided to wait for each other for another year and only just made things official after a lot of prayers and blessings from our parents. Him and I have agreed to no sex before marriage and we pray and remind each other to keep Christ first in our hearts.
I understand that many other teens these days are not like this but I feel as though, when its a relationship that is leading each other to Christ, its a blessed relationship.
Leikale says
Christie, I think I understand what you were trying to get at with your post. I think you are right to draw attention to these issues and I certainly understand the dangers and risks you address here. However, I almost feel that you’re limiting God in a sense. I disagree that “teen” dating says Jesus is not enough for me. That simply isn’t true. Yes, it applies to some teenagers. However, there are plenty of “adults” who also consider themselves Christians who date for that reason. It applies to anyone whose heart is not in the right place, old and young alike. I look to 1 Timothy 4:12. Young people most certainly can be examples for older people, and that would not be true if age was the determining factor in their level of maturity and strength of relationship with Jesus. When someone has a heart for Jesus, it is my belief that He can and will use that person to work in others’ lives. Who are we to say a relationship is out of the question? Jesus is God. He has no limitations. When two young people have hearts for Christ, Jesus can use them to exemplify what a Godly relationship looks like to others. He can use them, as a team, to do great things in his name. He has that ability because He is God.
To contrast here, my response would be different if this post said people should not lie. Lying is a sin as the Bible so explicitly tells us. Nowhere in the Bible, however, does God say “those under 20 shall not date.” Just like God never says “thou shalt not play sports.” Both dating and playing sports, when done with a focus on Christ and lots of prayer and humility, can be used to glorify God. And both of them can of course, as you pointed out for the case of dating, be used to cultivate sin when taken with focus on self.
You say in your post that if two teenagers want to fall into sexual sin, they will. I agree, which is why I’d argue that even if you have a strict “no dating” rule, if your teenager wants to fall into sin, they are going to. Parents have to instill Christian values in their children and (most importantly) demonstrate the application of those values in their own lives for their children to see, as you said in your post. This being said, if a parent has not done that and their child has no desire to honor God because God is not real to them, they are not going to be glorifying God no matter their relationship status. Their heart isn’t in the right place – how could they? On the flip side, if a parent has done that and their child has obtained a real faith in Jesus of their own, that child is going to want to glorify Him. If that child is a teenager, and God happens to bring someone into their life at that early age, I think it can work for His glory and doesn’t necessarily have to be a horrible, detrimental occasion for the teenager involved. I think that over-generalizing this issue is a bad idea, because I fear doing so might accidentally send the message that God can only use certain people in certain scenarios. All things are possible with God.
I can think of one particular teenage couple that God is using in amazing ways. They are 17 and 18. People see the way they treat each other, with love and respect, and the way they encourage each other. Their relationship is only good because of their mutual faith in Jesus. People see that and it points them toward Jesus. They wonder, what does this naive teenage couple have that makes their relationship so truthful and fulfilling that I lack? As another poster mentioned, I have seen awesome relationships come out of teenage dating. My old youth pastor and his wife met and dated in high school. They were able to stay pure (because they both wanted to please God) and they are truly some of the sweetest, most Godly examples I’ve ever had in my life. They are not just “exceptions to the rule” in my opinion. They are people who God has purposefully chosen to use.
I also have a couple honest questions for you, because I am not particularly well-versed in the facts behind these ideas. I am curious why you believe courtship is Biblical and dating is not? Where in scripture do you draw that conclusion? This is totally out of love, not to try to call you out, because I have never researched this particular issue myself and I am open to learn. I also noticed you work in youth ministry. Many Christians argue that youth ministry is not Biblical. What is the difference? Secondly, what constitutes a teenager? Are you against teenage courtship and dating, or just teenage dating? At what point do you deem it acceptable for someone to start courting? Twentieth birthday?
I finally want to conclude by saying I think it’s awesome you posted this. I am only responding this way because I want to get a better understanding and want to provide another perspective. Please don’t take my response negatively! God bless you!
Christie says
Hi Leikale,
Thanks for your comment. I’ll do my best to address everything that you mentioned above. Bullet points may work best 🙂
– Certainly this post can apply to dating of any age (teen or adult), but as the wife of a student pastor (and having dated as a teen), this post was geared towards teens.
– As with all writing, not everything I say is going to be true for everyone or every situation. Of course there are teens (particularly older teens) that are mature enough for a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. But I think that is where we may be confusing “dating” and “courtship”. I think the examples you used of teens that you know that are “dating” and those that “dated” as teens and are now married would fall more under the “courtship” example. I am assuming that both of these are Christian couples with a focus on Christ as the center of their relationship and with an end goal of marriage? If so, I wouldn’t consider that dating, I would consider that courtship, which is God-honoring.
– Dating fills a void. Courtship fulfills an end goal – marriage.
– You are so right in your comment about parents needing to instill Christ-like values. That is why this post is written for Christian parents. We can’t expect the world to live like Christian’s, but we can expect that of Christ followers.
As to your questions at the end.
1.) Biblical probably wasn’t the best word choice here as dating isn’t discussed specifically in the Bible, but I would say “God-honoring”. Teen dating is not God-honoring, courtship is.
2.) Youth ministry also isn’t specifically discussed in the Bible, but I can tell you that youth ministry done in the right way is certainly fulfilling a need within the Christian community, just as a single’s ministry, college ministry, women’s ministry, etc. would fulfill a need. We don’t practice and don’t believe in youth being a separate entity of the church. They are members of the church, attend church services with adults, and serve alongside adults. But they also have specific needs that need to be ministered to. And that is where youth ministry comes into play.
3.) I never mentioned an age in my post because it is going to be a case by case basis. Parents will know when their child is ready to enter into a relationship with someone with the intent of marriage. But the idea of just letting teens date and hang out (alone!) with the opposite sex because “everyone does it” is not beneficial to the well-being of a child.
When I speak about teen dating, I’m not talking about a certain age or a certain person or a certain personality type. I’m talking about the American culture’s idea of dating – being with someone to fill a void, being with someone because it’s the “cool thing to do”, being with someone to fulfill a desire that can only be fulfilled in marriage. That is the “teen dating” that I’m talking about. The teen dating I’m talking about is the 14 year old girl that has “dated” for years and has 15 sexual partners already. These are the types of relationships I’m warning about because they leave life-long scars and affect marriages in the future!
Thanks again for your comment. I’ll email you as well in case you’d like to discuss things further.
Christie
Leikale says
Thank you for taking the time to reply! I especially appreciate you explaining the difference between dating and courtship. It was my understanding that courtship was a completely different practice than dating, not just a term for a God-honoring relationship. The teenagers I referred to are most certainly courting by that definition. 🙂 After reading your response I also realize I interpreted a few of the statements you made in a way you didn’t intend for them to be interpreted. For example, when you said “Biblical” I took that very literally but your response has cleared up what you meant for me. You have some very good points and I 100% agree with you on them. Nobody should date because they think it is cool and regrets are so real. I pray your post is found by teenagers with doubts, and I have a feeling it has been and will be! Thank you again!
shamaria williams says
i found someone who sees it the way i do. I am a PROUD CHRISTIAN teenager in the country of Jamaica. I attend the Church Of God Of Prophecy. This church is found all over the world….well in alot of other major countries.
so yea ….i get ask to be alot of persons girlfriend and every time I say no i dont want a boyfriend, they always ask why. When I tell them personal beliefs they always say its not sin and make other things which do make sense.
They make it look like a good thing. i know it isnt really a sin but lets say in my pov its a massage for sin. Its hard to stay single but its the right thing to do.
Just to say to others, I know how hard it is to say no when all you want to say is yes, continue to hold the faith the reward will be given to the holy. God bless. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!