The Desires of My Heart

In my first post I talked about our journey to Foster Care and Adoption and how a major desire of mine (still) was to have biological children. I don’t know where to begin because I don’t know where it really begins…
As a child I never was the “girly girl”. I had a bag full of Barbie Dolls with nappy hair and no clothes! I definately didn’t “mother” them like some little girls do. I never wore dresses, never dreamed of my wedding day, nor having children. Even as a teenager, I didn’t desire a family of my own or the “white picket fence” that a lot of girls do. It just wasn’t on my radar.
At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with cancer and the one thing (pertaining to fertility) that I remember was my mom asking the doctor if the chemotherapy would affect my fertility and if we should freeze some of my eggs. He said, “No”.
Fast-forward to age 21 (July 2007). I married my husband and we had talked briefly about having kids. We knew that we wanted kids but wanted to spend some time together and get to know each other as a married couple.
I remember vividly in December of 2007. We stood in the bathroom in our (first of 3 homes in 2 years!) and watched as the birth control pills went down the toilet. For me, it was a sense of excitement/nervousness/WHAT HAVE I JUST DONE! For my husband, the look on his face and the quiet in the house was priceless!

Something kind of like this (off of the Merry-Go-Round)…

I guess I thought that it would happen the next day, or atleast a few months down the road (how silly of me!) So, we set off on our “journey”, not really “trying”, just believing that God had a plan and that we would have a baby.
Well, here I am, November 2009, almost 2 years after flushing those pills down the toilet…babyless. The range of emotions from day-to-day is literally a roller coaster. There are days that I want to try and days that I just say, “If it’s God’s will, it will happen (which it will!) and I don’t have to try.” There are days (most days) when seeing pregnant women and babies makes my stomach drop. There are nights when I take my Bible, I go upstairs, I close and lock the door and I cry…I cry out for peace and understanding. There are days when I think of the barren women of the Bible (Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah, etc.) that God blessed with children.
I want so badly to be able to say, “Lord if this isn’t what you want for my life, I don’t want it either.” What faith that would be…because I know that if every single thing that I do in my life is not for the GLORY of God, it’s useless. And, if that means that I have to grieve the thought and reality of not knowing what my biological child would look like for the GLORY of God, I pray that He gives me the strenth to do so…
Like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Luke 22:42
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Christie is a stay-at-home mom to two beautiful little girls, a pastor's wife, and lover of Jesus. Her hope is that STC would be a source of encouragement for women all over the world!

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  1. linds says

    Reading this post brings back a lot of memories. Literally 2 1/2 years of them … praying for God to fulfill your desire to be a mommy. :0)

    • Christie says

      Hi, Anonymous!! Thanks for your comment…wish I knew what happened with your first one. I would love to help you and tried going to your blog, but I’m not sure that’s really your blog. If you’d like to send me a message through the contact link, that would be great!


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